you're reading...
Guest Blog

Movie Monsters Who Should Wear Braces!


Movie monsters have captured our minds and our hearts for many generations. From Dracula to Jabba the Hutt, these sinister creatures continue to provide fright and delight in more ways than one. Ugly faces, glowing eyes, curved horns, sharp claws, and wicked teeth are just some reasons why movie monsters are so successful at making us jump out of our seats. Speaking of teeth, these nightmare creatures seem to have one big thing in common: messed up mandibles. Here are some villains in film who need an urgent trip to the orthodontist.

Last Action Hero – Ripper
This classic movie villain (and yes, Last Action Hero is a classic movie, thank you) has one of the creepiest grins in silver screen history–and that’s probably because he has some of the worst teeth I’ve ever seen. Most people would probably faint or call the cops at the sight of this freak. The Ripper’s yellowed, decaying teeth are misshapen and have gaps between them like windows in a house. The guy desperately needs a complete makeover. If Ripper ever wants to have a chance of becoming a ladies’ man, here’s the first step he should take: get some braces.

Sleepy Hollow – Headless Horseman
Christopher Walken is kind of a scary looking fellow, but his portrayal of the Headless Horseman in Tim Burton’s the legend of Sleepy Hollow was surely a more terrifying sight. I don’t know about you, but people who have sharp teeth like common predatory animals are pretty frightening in my book. With a huge space between each dagger-like tooth, the Headless Horseman was probably more frightening prior to having his head chopped off.

The Goonies – Sloth
The Goonies was one of my favorite movies as a child, and one thing has stuck with me to this day: Sloth. At first sight, this guy was more foul and revolting than anything I had seen before. Everything about him made me want to cringe — the crooked eyes, the deformed head, and especially the disgusting mouth filled with only a handful of remaining teeth. Even though it appeared as though Sloth regularly dined on children, he probably couldn’t chew through a block of tofu with those chompers. Getting braces would allow him to live up to his freaky image.

Gangs of New York – Hell-Cat Maggie
This character is based on an amalgam of three actual historic characters, the eponymous Hell-Cat Maggie, Gallus Mag, and the descriptively named Sadie the Goat. The pick-like teeth were apparently self-sharpened to instill fear into her enemies. In any case, she could benefit from some dental work. Braces might not fix that evil smile, but they would probably do some good.

Return of the Jedi – Sarlacc
If you thought a sand monster that resembled a rear end was scary, you should check out the inside of its mouth. Like the chompers of a shark, Sarlacc’s got sparsely-placed, needle-like teeth that protrude from various layers of gums. After having swallowed countless unsuspecting travelers over the years without any access to a toothbrush, mouthwash, or dental floss, it isn’t surprising that this giant wormhole of a monster looks the way it does.

Peter Wendt is a writer and researcher working out of Austin, Texas.


About these ads

About Leigh Langston

I am Dangerous Lee, the artist behind the #FeedArt Network, formerly known as the Dangerous Lee Network. I create social media ad campaigns for independent artists and creative entrepreneurs that helps them to get noticed and sell their work. I am also the author of the Amazon best-selling safe sex erotica anthology, "Keep Your Panties Up and Your Skirt Down" and an eBook on the affects of colorism, The Half Series: When Black People Look White.


No comments yet.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 1,508 other followers

%d bloggers like this: